Humor in Real Life
During a period of upheaval at the company where I
worked, a number of
office relocations were occurring. Having assisted
with various moves,
I considered myself quite the expert. So when I
saw two colleagues
struggling to carry a heavy desk up a flight of
stairs, I went over
and advised them that the desk would be much
lighter if they removed
the drawers.
They duly took out the drawers. Then they balanced
them on top of the
desk and continued up the stairs.
- Deborah Hitchin
My sister-in-law, a teacher, was pulled over for
failing to come to a
complete stop. The officer wrote out a ticket and
handed it to her
with some advice: "Drive safe."
"Safely," she replied.
"What?" the officer asked.
"You've corrected my driving," she explained.
"Allow me to correct
your grammar."
- Therese Jelinski
After his marriage broke up, my manager became
very philosophical. "I
guess it was in our stars," he sighed.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Her astrological sign is the one for earth. Mine
is the one for water.
Together we made mud."
- Lori Phillips
Clearly I was not going to win the battle of bulge
on my own so I
decided to join a gym. "Before you start working
out, we like to do a
health assessment," explained the gym
representative. "When you come
in, wear loose fitting clothing."
"If I had loose-fitting clothing, we wouldn't be
having this
conversation."
-Kelly Blackwell
Zilah, my favourite aunt, is 74 and, as she
herself puts it, she's
completely "together." However, I went to her
house the other day and
she appeared to be worried. After much insistence,
she confessed,
"Darling, I think I'm getting old. Yesterday I
went to the movies and
rode a cab home."
"And what's wrong with that?"
I inquired.
"I completely forgot I'd driven my own car there!"
- José Cláudio Garcia
As I passed the receptionist at our local senior
centre, I noticed
that she was rummaging through the lost-and-found
box with one hand
while holding the telephone in the other.
"I'm sorry," she eventually told the caller.
"They're not here. If
they turn up, we'll call you at once."
"What were you looking for?" a colleague asked.
"He wanted to know if anyone had turned in his
teeth," she replied.
"He needs them for lunch."
- Elsie Morris
News that her third child was going to be a girl
thrilled my cousin,
who already had two boys. "My husband wants to
call her Sunny," she
told me, "and I want to give her Anna as her
middle name in memory of my mum."
I thought they might want to reconsider their
decision, since their birth
announcement would herald the arrival of Sunny
Anna Rainey.
- Carolyn Wallis
Our nine-year-old niece slept on the couch in our
computer room during
a recent visit.
"Is Uncle Jim an idiot?" she asked her mother the
next morning.
"Why would you ask that?" her mother replied.
"He has all these books: Idiot's Guide to Windows,
Idiot's Guide to
PowerPoint..."
- James Salt
My 11-year-old brother was making chocolate chip
cookies for the first
time when he asked my mother, "Why do I have to
leave the room?"
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Come and look at the recipe," he said. "It says
right here, 'Leave
room for spreading.'"
- Scott DeGieo
The plan: to build a garden walkway made up of
dozens of wooden
squares. I decided I'd slice railway ties into
five-centimetre thick
pieces for the sections. That's what I told the
clerk at the lumber
yard. "You got a power saw?" he asked.
"No," I said. "Can't I just use my hand saw?"
He nodded slowly. "You could. But I just have one
question. How old do
you want to be when you finish?"
- Judy Myers
Don't ever pay a surprise visit to a child in
college. You might be
the one getting the surprise. I learned this the
hard way when I swung
by my son's campus during a business trip.
Locating what I thought was
the building he lived in, I rang the doorbell.
"Yeah?" a voice called from inside.
"Does Dylan Housman live here?"
"Yup," the voice answered. "Leave him on the front
porch. We'll drag
him in later."
- Jericho Housman
worked, a number of
office relocations were occurring. Having assisted
with various moves,
I considered myself quite the expert. So when I
saw two colleagues
struggling to carry a heavy desk up a flight of
stairs, I went over
and advised them that the desk would be much
lighter if they removed
the drawers.
They duly took out the drawers. Then they balanced
them on top of the
desk and continued up the stairs.
- Deborah Hitchin
My sister-in-law, a teacher, was pulled over for
failing to come to a
complete stop. The officer wrote out a ticket and
handed it to her
with some advice: "Drive safe."
"Safely," she replied.
"What?" the officer asked.
"You've corrected my driving," she explained.
"Allow me to correct
your grammar."
- Therese Jelinski
After his marriage broke up, my manager became
very philosophical. "I
guess it was in our stars," he sighed.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Her astrological sign is the one for earth. Mine
is the one for water.
Together we made mud."
- Lori Phillips
Clearly I was not going to win the battle of bulge
on my own so I
decided to join a gym. "Before you start working
out, we like to do a
health assessment," explained the gym
representative. "When you come
in, wear loose fitting clothing."
"If I had loose-fitting clothing, we wouldn't be
having this
conversation."
-Kelly Blackwell
Zilah, my favourite aunt, is 74 and, as she
herself puts it, she's
completely "together." However, I went to her
house the other day and
she appeared to be worried. After much insistence,
she confessed,
"Darling, I think I'm getting old. Yesterday I
went to the movies and
rode a cab home."
"And what's wrong with that?"
I inquired.
"I completely forgot I'd driven my own car there!"
- José Cláudio Garcia
As I passed the receptionist at our local senior
centre, I noticed
that she was rummaging through the lost-and-found
box with one hand
while holding the telephone in the other.
"I'm sorry," she eventually told the caller.
"They're not here. If
they turn up, we'll call you at once."
"What were you looking for?" a colleague asked.
"He wanted to know if anyone had turned in his
teeth," she replied.
"He needs them for lunch."
- Elsie Morris
News that her third child was going to be a girl
thrilled my cousin,
who already had two boys. "My husband wants to
call her Sunny," she
told me, "and I want to give her Anna as her
middle name in memory of my mum."
I thought they might want to reconsider their
decision, since their birth
announcement would herald the arrival of Sunny
Anna Rainey.
- Carolyn Wallis
Our nine-year-old niece slept on the couch in our
computer room during
a recent visit.
"Is Uncle Jim an idiot?" she asked her mother the
next morning.
"Why would you ask that?" her mother replied.
"He has all these books: Idiot's Guide to Windows,
Idiot's Guide to
PowerPoint..."
- James Salt
My 11-year-old brother was making chocolate chip
cookies for the first
time when he asked my mother, "Why do I have to
leave the room?"
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Come and look at the recipe," he said. "It says
right here, 'Leave
room for spreading.'"
- Scott DeGieo
The plan: to build a garden walkway made up of
dozens of wooden
squares. I decided I'd slice railway ties into
five-centimetre thick
pieces for the sections. That's what I told the
clerk at the lumber
yard. "You got a power saw?" he asked.
"No," I said. "Can't I just use my hand saw?"
He nodded slowly. "You could. But I just have one
question. How old do
you want to be when you finish?"
- Judy Myers
Don't ever pay a surprise visit to a child in
college. You might be
the one getting the surprise. I learned this the
hard way when I swung
by my son's campus during a business trip.
Locating what I thought was
the building he lived in, I rang the doorbell.
"Yeah?" a voice called from inside.
"Does Dylan Housman live here?"
"Yup," the voice answered. "Leave him on the front
porch. We'll drag
him in later."
- Jericho Housman
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